“She is going to be just fine. She’ll be a late bloomer, but she’ll be fine.” 22 years later and the words spoken by a beloved mentor still resound in my head for I still have not blossomed. My spirit stirs, mixing a cocktail of anxiety, apprehension, longing, and bondage. There is somewhere I am meant to be, someone I’ve yet to become and still, I am torn. It is frustrating to know you are in search of something, yet you do not know exactly what it is. You only know that you have not discovered it. Each day finds me awakening with a renewed sense of purpose and direction. Ironically, I travel nowhere. Perhaps it is the fear of reaching the object of my desire that binds me – a mental roadblock or form of self-sabotage, if you will. My heart tells me I am destined for something even I could not have imagined. Yet, I disallow my search to extend beyond a certain point. I have always known achieving balance was a struggle for me. I am opposite sides of the same coin; fire and water, sun and moon, free-spirited, yet highly reserved. It is a volatile recipe. Still, I have managed to find a safe space. It lends itself to me when I turn away from the outside world. Admittedly, I have not done this in quite some time. Perhaps, retreating temporarily would serve to grant me better clarity.
Moments like these sometimes catch me unexpectedly and throw me off my center. In the quiet, replays of countless opportunities lost while others were simply consumed by procrastination and waste. All the while, time continues to pass. I cannot afford to waste a second of any day on what might have been. My heart is longing to know what must be. Sometimes, the road to self-discovery requires a steep price. In many cases, it is the cost of relationships – be they companion, friend, or family. I do not know where my journey will ultimately lead me. At this point, I know it is time to prepare. Now is the time to shed the fear and step into whatever greatness is waiting for me. We all have greatness in us. Unfortunately, many of us allow ourselves to be stifled so that we may cower behind excuses as to why we cannot succeed. I have no excuse. I know I am accountable and only I can change the course I am on in order to get where I should have always been.